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Saturday, January 14, 2012

The perils of beauty

After 38 years I finally quit biting my nails, and decided that as a reward I would start taking myself to a salon to get them properly maintained. I also discovered the joys of getting a pedicure. What I did not count on was how such cute, sweet, petite little Asian girls could be so Nazi-like. I think my girls are Vietnamese, but I'm really not sure. What I do know is that I can't understand a word they're saying most of the time.

The first time I went in for a manicure, before I quite biting my nails, the girl, who has since become my regular caretaker, looked at my hands and said, "You bite nails?". I said "Yes, I do." Sigh - here it comes. What I did not expect was for her to slap my hand and say, "I fix - you don't bite! You get germs!" Okay.....

A few weeks later, I went in for a day with the girls to get a pedicure. I have the worst, most horrible cracked heels ever - seriously, I could stick a coin in the cracks in my heels. I'm relaxed, back massager going, feet soaking, visiting with my friend. My girl, Jana, comes to get started on my feet. At this point I also would mention to you that I only have two toenails on each foot because they were removed when I was a teenager. First thing Jana asks me, rather accusingly, is "Where your toenails?" Like I removed them before I got there just to mess with her. So I explained. She said, "No problem, I paint them back on." Which I thought was funny. Until she looked at my heels. "Look at heels!" she said. I know, I know. Then SHE SLAPPED MY FOOT and said "I fix - you wear shoes!" Then she mumbled something which I am certain was duragatory to the girl next to her while she grabbed a razor and went to work. Probably something along the lines of "I don't get paid enough to deal with this crap". That was my interpretation, anyway.

So we establish a rapport, my nails grow out and are pretty and she's very proud of me and tells me how pretty they look, and I'm feeling pretty good about myself. She oohs and aahs and says they grow nice and fast. She says "You like length?" I said, yeah, the length was good. She says "No. You look like dragon!" Snip! AH!!! Ok, I'm back to business length. "See? Much better." She says. I'm going back in today, because they've grown back out and I'm not letting her anywhere near me with the clippers this time.

But the best so far, and my last visit, was for another pedicure. I always shave my legs before I go in because they do a leg massage, and I figure it's the polite thing to do. So she gets started and she says, "Ohhh, you shave legs for boy tonight?" I said, No, I shaved them for you. She says, "Oh. That so sad...."

Tell me about it, sister.

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