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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Personal Ad I Can't Place Because I'd be Alone Forever

Sadly, I am single again. Such is life. In an effort to move on, I placed an ad on a dating site. And lo and behold, my ex also has an ad on that site. And I read his ad, and I thought, you big, fat liar. He's saying all the things that girls want to hear - I will do this, I won't do that. And I'm aghast because I've lived with him and I know exactly what he's like. That almost made me take down my ad and run to join a nunnery, because obviously you can't trust what you read as everyone is putting their best lying foot forward. So instead, I decided to create a truthful ad. I really should put it up and see if any man in the entire world is still willing to talk to me afterwards. So here goes.

Let's start by culling the herd. If you are bipolar, ADHD, an alcoholic, a sex addict, schizophrenic, or have an anxiety disorder, thank you for your interest but goodbye. If you are jobless, homeless or live with your mother for any reason other than that she is bedridden and you are caring for her, there are places that can help you - I am not that place. If you are a liar or a cheater I would tell you not to proceed, but because you are going to lie about cheating, that won't do me any good.

All right, that should have taken care of about 50% of you. Allowing that 25% of what is remaining are the lying cheaters who proceeded anyway, I'm down to 1/4 of the eligible men left to work with. Let's narrow that down by telling you a little about myself.

The stuff that appears on my ad - affectionate, generous, funny, intelligent, genuine - all true. I can be the sweetest, most loving girlfriend you'll ever have. I'll cook for you, keep the house clean, wash your clothes, buy you little "just thinking of you gifts", buy your favorite things at the grocery store, etc. I'll be happy to see you when you get home from work and I'll be happy to see you in the morning. I will answer my phone when you call me. I will make a good impression on your friends and family. All true. That's what you put in your personal ad.

What you do NOT put in your ad is this. Once a month I will cry for no reason and probably yell at you for no reason. This is a good time for you to have a hobby and leave the house. And bring me chocolate on your way home. I will ask you to load the dishwasher or make the bed from time to time. You will do it wrong. I will redo it. Doing it wrong does not get you out of it. I will still ask you to do it. After 3 months I will probably stop shaving my legs on a regular basis. This will coincide with the time you decide it's okay to start farting when you're sitting next to me. Call it even. If you drive like an idiot, I will not ride anywhere with you. I will not hang out at a bar with you and I will not go clubbing. I will not tolerate cheating - this includes computer or phone sex. It's still cheating. I will not put up with drugs or excessive drinking. A beer when you get off work is acceptable. A six pack is not. I am not going to shave myself bald like a 10 year girl for you. Nuff said.

How are we doing? Well, there's a couple of you left. A few of the cheaters have decided I'm going to be too much trouble to be worth it. A few normal guys, too. That's okay, I understand. Let's move on to what I expect from you.

You are a man. You should be able to do man things. I expect you to know how to jump a car battery, change a tire, mow a lawn, unclog a drain, check the car oil, work a BBQ, and kill a spider. I can do all of those things. I DON'T WANT TO. You cannot have more products for skin and hair than I do or spend more time primping in the bathroom than I do. Toughen up, buttercup - you're a man. I expect you to be responsible. If I come to your house and see a big stack of unopened bills because you believe if you can't see them they don't exist, I'm done. If you make a scene in a public place by yelling at an employee because you are unhappy about some piddly thing, I am leaving. Without you. If you erase your computer and phone history, hang up a call when I walk into the room, or disappear for periods of time and I find out you're lying about where you were, I will assume you are cheating and act accordingly. If you behave suspiciously, you will be regarded with suspicion. Go figure.

Is there an echo in here yet?

There are lots of acceptable "quirks" that you and I will both commit which are expected in a relationship. For example:

I fully expect that you will leave the toilet seat up on a consistent basis. You can expect me to comment on it when I fall into the toilet in the middle of the night. Loudly. I expect you to be physically incapable of putting a new roll of toilet paper on the holder. You can expect me to come out from time to time and show you how it's done. I don't expect any improvement. I will comment when you leave your beard clippings in the sink. I don't expect that to change either. I know you will leave your underwear and socks on the floor. You know I will point out where the hamper is and then I will put them in there myself.

I think that just about covers it. There might be one or two guys left who think they might be up to the task. I can only pray that they hunt and fish, are Republicans, like to camp, and are under the age of 70. But I guess beggars can't be choosers.

Maybe I should have stuck with "I'm a nice girl looking for "the One". Looks are not important, it's what's on the inside that counts. I like long walks on the beach, holding hands, and just sitting and watching the stars or talking over coffee. I have no hang ups or personality flaws, and I'm sure you don't either. I bet you're just the man for me!"

Betcha that would get more responses.

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