Changing a tire

This particular incident occurred about a year ago and I had written it down at that time to entertain my fathers. Here is my ordeal for your reading pleasure.


So, I had fun yesterday. I got home from work and (thank goodness) went to drag the trash cans up from the curb (usually they sit there for a day or two, but it was raining and they left the can open). Well, as I'm walking back up I see my back tire is flat. As a pancake. Now, it must have happened near the house, because I would have heard it on the freeway or Meridian road. So, I run in, let the dogs out and call Craft to let them know I'll be late. Then I drag out the hydraulic jack. Huh. Up, down, up, down, nothing's happening, up, down, up, down, call Jim. Twist little black thingie, up, down, hey - something's happening. Right on. Crawl under car - jack won't fix under main support. Say bad word. Crawl back out from under car, crack head on car frame, say several bad words. Jim points out I've learned the finer points of car repair. Jim is not helpful. I would like to point out at this time that I had enough knowledge to get the spare (inflated, even) out of trunk, pull off tire cover and loosen the lug nuts before trying to jack up car and without calling my father. Get jack under side frame of car, pray it won't break off and start jacking. Up, down, up, down, hear a creak, say bad word, start praying, up, down, up, down, I think tire's off the ground. Nope, tire's not off the ground. Up, down, up, down. Now? Nope, still won't move. Insert bad word.
Up, down - I know this *%&#@! tire is not on the ground. Jim says kick it.
Nothing happens, but I feel better. Wiggle, wiggle, hand slips off tire, whack knuckles on wheel well, say bad word. Repeatedly. Kick tire again for good measure. Wearing wrong shoes for that. Another bad word. Tire mysteriously comes loose. Excellent. Rip it off car, chuck it into yard to show it who's boss. One lugnut, two lugnuts, three lugnuts....where the *$%@ is the other lugnut?! Sonofabitch, it was in the tire rim I just chucked into the yard. More bad words. Mothers usher their children into the house. Find 4th lugnut. Put doughnut on car. Happy. Crate dogs, wash hands, change shirt, run out of house, and haul ass at 30 miles an hour all the way to Meridian...... Definite plus, I got to hold up the school buses for a change. Make it to Schwabbies without anyone shooting me. Stagger in, tell the really cute guy at the counter I have a flat and need it fixed. Smile and bat eyes. He asks, did you change it yourself? I say (rather proud of myself) Why, yes I did. More smiling and eye batting.....moments pass...self doubt sets in....Why do you ask? I say. You might want to look in the mirror, he says. In bathroom, I gaze into the mirror at the 3 fingered black streak of tire grime that goes from my chin all the way up the side of my face to my forehead. And the smudge on the end of my nose.....