House Rules Through Dog Eyes

How to Get the Most out of Living Here

By
My dogs


1. Always look slightly desperate and anxious (especially easy if you’re a pug).It will ensure you get to spend as much time outside as possible.

2. If you want to get outside really fast, pretend you’re going to vomit. On the furniture.

3. Any time Mom walks near the cookie jar, run to your crate. She has to give you one then.

4. If Mom asks you if she brought you something delicious from the store, the answer is always yes. Try to act surprised.

5. If you rip the heads off of your stuffed animals, she will sew the holes shut and you’ll get TWO toys back.

6. The vet always gives you a cookie. Don’t let them fool you. It’s a diet cookie. Spit it out.

7. The groomer has better cookies. So do the banks, and the coffee shops. Try to be in the drivers seat with your head out the window before the car stops.

8. Chocolate is delicious! Eat it whenever you can. Then Mom will take you for a ride in the car.

9. Show her what a good guard dog you are by barking maniacally when you hear a doorbell on tv.

10. Stare ravenously at her while she’s eating. Maybe she’ll forget she already fed us.

11. Do the same to guests. They don’t know better.

12. The harness means you’re going somewhere. Run around the house frantically to show your joy until Mom tackles you and puts it on.

13. Act like a heathen whenever company shows up. Mom will give you a cookie and a toy and you get to take a nap in the off-limits bedroom.

14. Howl like you’re being dismembered as soon as you hear her car pull into the driveway. This lets her know how much you missed her and doesn’t disturb the neighbors at all.

15. Pull mom out of a dead sleep by barking hysterically at the cat at three in the morning. It’s fun to see her creep through the house with a baseball bat.