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Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Cougar Revolution - A commentary

I’m not sure who started this “Cougar” thing, but all I have to say is Hoo-rah! It’s about time. Putting aside all the feminist stuff about how men have been doing it for years, there’s a lot of reasons that this makes sense to me. While “dating” a much younger man may seem a bit distasteful, it’s not illegal. And since my moral compass doesn’t always point strictly north, I will point out why this works.

First of all I would like to say that if you’re a 30 something or older and are looking for someone to marry and have 2.5 kids with, this is not for you. Keep looking for prince charming. If you’ve already married prince charming (like me…a couple of times) and he keeps turning into a toad and you’ve decided to stay single, keep reading.

Nature herself says this is a good idea. Women blossom in their 30’s. We become comfortable with ourselves and our bodies. Our urges kick in. While our fires are being stoked, men our age are starting to bank the embers. Men in their late teens and early twenties, however, are coming into their own. Consider the following:

- Men in their 30’s and 40’s still talk a good game. Heck, some of them even still play a good game. But it usually includes a lot of false starts, foul plays and time outs.

- Ever wanted to have whipped cream licked off every inch of you? Men our age are watching their cholesterol. The 20 year old will be at your doorstep in 5 minutes with every ice cream topping ever invented.

- Do your breasts point south and you have more dimples on your rear than your face? Never fear. As one 18 year old said “If I’m lucky enough to get to see them and touch them, I’m sure not going to criticize them!”

- There’s a difference between stiff and rigor mortis. Guess which one you get when you mix Viagra and Nitro?

- You don’t have to cook for the younger man. Throw a pizza at him once in a while to keep his strength up. He also doesn’t care if your house is clean. Hell, you have a house. That’s impressive enough.

- A young man is grateful. For anything. You’ll find him taking out the trash, painting walls and mowing the lawn. Sometimes you don’t even have to ask. Don’t think of it as prostitution….it’s more like a reward system.

- Older women know stuff. More importantly, we’re willing to do that stuff.

Where to meet one:
You could go down to the local college, tie a bottle of beer to some fishing line, cast it out and see what you reel in. You may have to throw a few back before you find a keeper, and the authorities might frown on this approach. Or try Date A

There are few things to keep in mind when “dating” a younger man:

- Candlelight is your friend. Embrace it. Use it. We all look good in candlelight.

- Make sure he doesn’t live next door. With his parents. In fact, make sure that there is no chance you will ever actually have to look his mother in the eye.

- For Gods sake, do not fall in love with him. He’s going to move on eventually. You’re not going to get any younger, you know.

- Card him. You might want to see his birth certificate, too. And keep copies. How embarrassing to have to explain to the PTA board that you’re on the sexual predator list because your 20 year old fling turned out to be 17. Not to mention having to turn your lights off on Halloween.

- As much as you might like to, don’t take him around to show him off to your friends. That only works for Demi Moore.

This phenomenon is not isolated to women in their 30’s and 40’s. A few years after my grandfather passed away, this conversation took place between my mother and my 70 year old grandmother.

“So, Mom, have you thought about starting to date again?”

“No, not really. All the men my age are so old. I think I’m just going to be a coyote.”

“Do you mean a cougar, Mom?”

“Yes, that. I’m going to be a cougar.”

You go, Gran.

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